Thursday, June 13, 2013

A Woman in her Thirties on Father's Day

For many, many years, I didn't celebrate Father's Day.  Life at dealt me a series of cards which had, at a young age, left me without anyone to celebrate.  I never met my maternal Grandfather:

This guy, the Maltese Falcon.

My paternal Grandfather died when I was in kindergarten:

This guy (P.S.  Who else sees Aaron in that picture?!)

And then of course my own Dad, who died when I was twelve:

This guy.  Man, I was such a poser.

I don't have any memories of Father's Day.  I couldn't tell you what we did for my Dad when he was here.  It hasn't been a sad or melancholy day for me, all these years.  Father's Day has been a day that, more than anything else, was simply not applicable.  

And then I got married.  To a man that, we had kinda decided, would be the father of my children.  I would have a father in my life again, though not to me, of course, but to the two (future) people who would be infinitely more important:

Let's ignore the bra straps showing in this picture, and just be happy the big sunglasses hide the sleep-deprived eyes.  

Last week, my friend sent me a link to a blog her going-into-fourth-grade son started.  This blog is... well, go ahead and click on it.  It's heart-meltingly awesome in every way.  I sent it to L, who I knew would appreciate it, thinking he would read his posts and smile as I did. What ended up happening was (is) borderline obsession:

'This kid is really only in third grade?'  

'He knows so much about cars!'

'His drawings are so good-- will our kids be able to draw like that someday?'

'Today is Tuesday-- a new Redline design comes out today!'  (He seriously said this.)

It was cute, but then I saw that L had commented on Redline's posts.  Keep in mind that, in five years blogging in this blog and three years blogging while living in China, L has NEVER commented on a single post of mine.  Not one.  But Redline, well, he got the business from L.  And when L read his comments to me, his thoughtfulness for this little boy and the questions he wanted to have answered, well...

I cried.  

I couldn't even explain where the tears were coming from at the time, but I know now.  It's from that place from so many years ago where I subconsciously removed myself from the world of children and their fathers.  From the place of needing or even acknowledging the need for that relationship.  

L might be ridiculously picky about food, annoying unable to clean out the microwave when he's done using it, but man, does he ever love his kids:


Which brings me to another man who's come into my life since getting married, another guy who is pretty enamored with my little ones:


My father-in-law, who could never understand all he's done for me.  He's the father I've not allowed myself to miss, and the second reason that Father's Day is, once again, so important.

So it is with an unexpected relevance that I now celebrate Father's Day.  The father I chose for my kids, the father I happened into, and the father that I believe, even after all these years, still looks out for his littlest girl.


13 comments:

  1. LOVE that last pic. So precious. Love this. So much. You got me all teary. And L is the best. Love that pic of him and A.

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  2. So, so sweet! Your dad was tall!

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  3. Love this! It's interesting that my mom's dad passed away when she was very young, and she word for word has said the exact same thing as you here. That her seeing her own children with her husband awoke "something" in her subconscious that she never realized she was missing for many years. Your own dad clearly set the bar very high for your choices and decisions, and it's touching to see how well your husband measures up to your expectations (where it really matters, so microwave cleaning excluded!)

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  4. What a lovely, honest post...I have an aversion to Fathers Day for similar reasons but I look back and still appreciate my Dad for those memories that we had :)

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    1. Carrie- Absolutely! So glad to meet someone who can relate.

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  5. This post was so touching. It brought tears to my eyes...not sad tears but emotional, happy tears. JUST LOVELY!

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  6. This is SO touching...it brought tears to my eyes...not sad tears but emotional, happy tears. I LOVED it!

    (I thought I published this before but somehow I think it disappeared.I will write it off as a technical glitch...but if 2 comments show up, I apologize.)

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  7. Yup. You got me emotional too...I have to say, mostly when I saw A with His grandpa. I love that J. Cat is looking so much like your dad as he gets older too. P.S. I would give anything to know if your mom still has that dress!

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  8. So, so beautiful. These photos are all amazing! Especially the ones of L. and the kids. :)

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  9. I love this post for so many reasons. When I showed it to Redline, he had this cute little smile spread across his face when he read the reference to his blog. He was truly honored to be mentioned in such a wonderful post about dads. He even talked about when he is a dad someday.....WAY in the future!

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    1. Yes, Redline, WAY in the future! Thank you for helping me appreciate this Father's Day more :)

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  10. This post made me laugh hysterically and loudly, and also made me cry. I've experienced the gamut of emotions, and it's 8:41 a.m. (early for me). Perfect in every way.

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