Saturday, December 29, 2012

A Woman in her Thirties Plays Fantasy Football

Last year, I was invited to join L's family fantasy football league.  Though the pressure came in varying forms, I was adamant that I would not join.  There were a few good reasons for this:

1.  I know absolutely nothing about football.
2.  I do not care to know anything about football.
3.  See reasons one and two.  

Keep in mind that this pressure was coming from L's cousins, who are part of the University of Michigan brother (and sister) hood.  Remember this post, about maize and blue?  I can't keep up with that kind of enthusiasm, people.    

(Um, who is that child from not even one year ago??)

This year, for some reason (I'm going to go ahead and blame pregnancy hormones), I relented.  I was promised by several members of the Yeegue that I didn't need to know the rules to football in order to play.  

It's easy, they said.  You don't have to do anything, they said.  

Because I joined, L decided to join, too.  There is something you should know about L, something that might illustrate the yin and yang of our relationship.  Where I am among the most non-competitive people on the planet (really and truly, I can barely keep up with myself let alone where other people are in relation), L is one of the most competitive people I've ever known. Whether I liked it or not, I was going to live in a house where Sunday and Monday night football mattered.  

Or was it Monday and Tuesday?  Or Sunday afternoon?  I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT FOOTBALL.

(Gratuitous adorableness)

We picked our teams.  Well, L picked his team.  I went to a friend's barbecue during our draft time, and allowed the auto-draft gods to do what they would.  L came to the barbecue after the draft hemming and hawing about how I'd gotten such a great team, and his was terrible.  And I smiled, thinking maybe this whole fantasy football thing was going to loads of fun after all.  

As it turns out, YOU DO HAVE TO KNOW AT LEAST A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT FOOTBALL if you want to play fantasy football.  A basic understanding of what each position does is good.  Rudimentary knowledge of how points are scored is also nice.  Oh, and looking at the website is pretty important.  So while I watched L sit at my computer and tell me, week after week, that I might want to take a look at my team every once in awhile because several of my players were injured, I thought to myself what a terrible mistake I'd made by joining.  And then I cleaned puke out of my hair.  

That's when L offered to help.  Now I'd like to be clear for those members of the league reading this post:  There were no shenanigans going on here.  Not shenanigans in the true sense of the word.  L was only doing what I might have done, had I given a rat's behind.  The league caught on pretty quickly and called me out on it, which was the most fun I had during the whole fantasy football process.  I rejected trades and smack-talked about things I really had no understanding of.  L enjoyed it thoroughly.  

In the end, I placed 10th out of 16:

Which, when you think about it, isn't all that bad.  But more importantly, this woman in her thirties learned a little bit about football and how it's played.  I learned that players get awesome nicknames like, 'The Purple Jesus' and 'Megatron'.  I learned that my cousins-in-law are pretty hilarious.  

And next year, they're going down.  


  1. Love this! And I placed second to last in our League. And Lindsey....LINDSEY won. Life is SO unfair. Unfair and hilarious all at the same time.

  2. You may need to know a little bit about football to do as well as L has, but you don't need to know a damn thing to do as well as I have. Seriously, I'm not even sure I know what all the position abbreviations mean, let alone having any clue about what each position's function is. I just look to see if anyone is injured or has a bye week and swap players out based on Yahoo's stats alone.

    1. You are right. That is my number one goal next year-- to actually log in every week, as opposed to only logging in when L tells me there's smack talk going on ;)

  3. Ha! You're going to do it again! Love.

  4. My boys play football (they are 16 and 14) and it is still confusing to me! They play fantasy football all the time and it looks like so much fun! They laugh at my lack of knowledge, but one day I will get it all right!

  5. This post freaking cracked me up. :) And AMRC... your kids' initials?