I read it might happen. I was told it would happen. And it did. Friends, family, be warned: the title of this post is not ironic.
Today I peed my pants.
Thankfully, I don't need to be a doctor to explain the physiology of this. Today I am thirty weeks pregnant. I have gained 23 pounds in the last seven and a half months, three of which belonging to the baby that dances upon my pancake-shaped bladder all day and all night. I have to pee all the time. And while it is annoying, I thought I had pretty decent control over this bodily function.
L and I were leaving Target when the urge came upon me to sneeze. Not pee. SNEEZE. I covered my mouth like a good woman in her thirties, and sneezed once. Nothing unusual, nothing out of the ordinary. I sneezed again, as I am wont to do, and this time it happened. I peed. Not Niagra Falls pee, but still. It was enough.
I gasped and looked at L, thinking maybe I could make something up. I saw a rat. I forgot toothpaste. I need a bean burrito. But I was so horrified by what had just happened that I was frozen in the truth.
L did not know what to do with the information. 'Um... gross,' he said. To his credit, he left it at that and allowed me my shame.
But here's the thing: a woman in her thirties doesn't have much time for shame. I certainly don't. I spent a couple of seconds wondering if I should run back into Target for some Depends, and then L said, 'maybe you should start bringing some clean underwear to school with you. And pants.'
That was it. I burst out laughing. The kind that sends tears down your face. The kind when you can't catch your breath and your whole body is convulsing. That kind of laughing. The thought of explaining to a classroom full of Seniors that I might have to leave the room in case I pee my pants is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever thought of in my life.
So a woman in her thirties is an enigma. This morning, I correctly answered a trivia question involving the artist Edward Hopper. This afternoon, I compared car seats for side impact safety features. And this evening, I peed my pants. I guess, for a woman in her thirties, that's just kinda how it goes.