Sunday, September 12, 2010

A Woman in her Thirties Pees her Pants

I read it might happen. I was told it would happen. And it did. Friends, family, be warned: the title of this post is not ironic.

Today I peed my pants.

Thankfully, I don't need to be a doctor to explain the physiology of this. Today I am thirty weeks pregnant. I have gained 23 pounds in the last seven and a half months, three of which belonging to the baby that dances upon my pancake-shaped bladder all day and all night. I have to pee all the time. And while it is annoying, I thought I had pretty decent control over this bodily function.

Apparently not.

L and I were leaving Target when the urge came upon me to sneeze. Not pee. SNEEZE. I covered my mouth like a good woman in her thirties, and sneezed once. Nothing unusual, nothing out of the ordinary. I sneezed again, as I am wont to do, and this time it happened. I peed. Not Niagra Falls pee, but still. It was enough.

I gasped and looked at L, thinking maybe I could make something up. I saw a rat. I forgot toothpaste. I need a bean burrito. But I was so horrified by what had just happened that I was frozen in the truth.

L did not know what to do with the information. 'Um... gross,' he said. To his credit, he left it at that and allowed me my shame.

But here's the thing: a woman in her thirties doesn't have much time for shame. I certainly don't. I spent a couple of seconds wondering if I should run back into Target for some Depends, and then L said, 'maybe you should start bringing some clean underwear to school with you. And pants.'

That was it. I burst out laughing. The kind that sends tears down your face. The kind when you can't catch your breath and your whole body is convulsing. That kind of laughing. The thought of explaining to a classroom full of Seniors that I might have to leave the room in case I pee my pants is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever thought of in my life.

So a woman in her thirties is an enigma. This morning, I correctly answered a trivia question involving the artist Edward Hopper. This afternoon, I compared car seats for side impact safety features. And this evening, I peed my pants. I guess, for a woman in her thirties, that's just kinda how it goes.

8 comments:

  1. I truly believe peeing your pants is your first taste of motherhood. Unexpected and hilarious...get ready for lots of that in your future. And welcome to the club, we're so glad you joined!

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  2. Funny that you posted this...I just packed an extra pair of panties and slacks to store in my classroom, just in case ;)

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  3. Oh my god, this was the funniest thing I've read in a LONG time. No, really. I read it before going to bed last night and couldn't go to sleep because I kept giggling (I wasn't laughing at your peeing, I was laughing at L's reaction... "um... gross"). HILARIOUS.

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  4. Oh honey. This is so one of those things where when it happened to me (shortly after Mason was born though), I emailed all of our mom friends and said, "THANKS for telling me this would happen!"

    Welcome to the motherhood!

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  5. Wait until you're in your 50's...then there's no excuse. ^_^

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  6. God I miss you. That was easily one of the funniest things you've ever written. And totally non-fiction. Can't wait for the blog to book to movie motion picture. You might want to start working on Brad Pitt to play Larry-- now.

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  7. Wow....it is so sexy when a woman pees her pants

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  8. I’m only 25 now; while I was pregnant 2 years ago I did some thing to my back. I was only 3 months along, I was getting up out of bed and just when I pushed myself up I sneezed. A tremendous pain started in my lower back, I managed to get up and then I realized I had completely empted my bladder all over the bed and floor. I was still in pain and woke my husband up, and told him some thing was very wrong. 2 hours later we got to my doctor, and wet myself again, another full out emptied my bladder. One of the nurses helped me out of my wet pants and got me into some scrub pants. The doctor examined me and found I had pinched a nerve in my lower back. There are no other problems except I keep peeing my pants. The nurse came in with some adult diapers and helped me get them on. I was so humiliated by this but its better then wet pants. Unfortunately I have been totally incontinent ever since, the nerve is beyond repair so I have to wear diapers for the rest of my life. Gone are the days of bikinis; gone are the days I can wear skintight dresses or pants. I never wanted to have another baby again, although I love my daughter very much and unlike some woman I don’t blame her one bit.

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