Monday, May 3, 2010

A Woman in her Thirties is a B

In my twenties I worked with a girl who was recently pregnant. While she had bitchy tendencies before, the pregnancy really brought out the horror in her. I remember one day, while she scowled at flowers her husband had sent her for no reason she said, 'Ugh. What was he thinking? How about making dinner for once?' I remember thinking that the whole 'pregnancy glow' thing was a joke.

And now I know it's a joke. Because ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you: I have become that bitch. I am an ugly, pregnant bitch.

1. Driving into work today. Heard that the Enquirer is going to break a story about how Barack Obama had an affair several years ago.
Me, to dashboard: 'Is there not a decent man left on this f&%^ planet? God $%*&!'
2. 3rd period. Student moans audibly when given homework assignment. All teachers know that groans are to be looked at as a sign of life and dutifully ignored.
Me, to student: 'I think your homework should be to learn to CONTROL WHAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.'
3. Lunch. Teacher reads daily quiz from newspaper. Topic is 'Fill in the blank with a word from the weather. Example: "He is a ______ weather friend".'
Me, to teacher: 'That is too easy! This is such a f&*^ waste of time!'
4. 6th period. Assign students an outside reading assignment, reminding them how fortunate they are that their teacher is allowing them to choose the novel they read for once. Two students loudly assert that they plan on using Sparknotes.
Me, to students: 'I don't have time for your smartass comments today, got it?'
5. At the gym. Pull out iPod from gym bag, only to discover that it was out of juice.
Me, to empty locker room: 'God f&*%$ son of a &*6%$!'
6. Still at the gym. Read Oprah's interview with Naomi Campbell on closed captioning. Oprah asks, 'Do you realize how beautiful you are?' Naomi responds, 'Ohhh, noo....'
Me, to stranger on bike next to me: 'This woman CANNOT BE SERIOUS. I mean what the f&**%!'
7. At home. L has made his Mom's amazing gwottles for dinner. L points out that I have bought Regina red wine vinegar, and not Heinz.
Me, to L: 'It's the same f%&$ thing! God!'
8. Eating dinner. I splash soy sauce on my white placemat.
Me, to L: 'F*&%$! F&^%$!'
9. Doing dishes. L, while I do dishes: 'I'll wipe down the table.'
Me, to L, 'I don't need you to do it! I'll do it! Ugh!'

In other news, last night I finally broke down and joined a church. A woman in her thirties prioritizes her spirituality, right? As I left, the priest put his hand on my shoulder and wished me many blessings for the week.
Me, in my mind right now, to Father B: 'Um, excuse me? Whatever you said? IT'S NOT WORKING.'


  1. ok? You know that the Enquirer is nothing but BS right? Chill, it's not good for the baby!

  2. The best is when your mom protecting instincts kick in. If anyone even looks at your dog the wrong way, you will be all over it!

  3. I hate that feeling when you KNOW you are acting unreasonable and irrational, but you are powerless to stop it... however, those punk kids totally deserved their tongue lashing.

  4. Oh honey. It will get better. At least you have an excuse-- it's the hormones. It's not your fault.

    What the heck are gwottles?

  5. Well... when Oprah asked me if I know how beautiful I am... I said... "F%#& yah!"

    And yes, the Inquirer is BS. I guarantee you, if BO had had an affair while married... we'd already know about it. PROMISE. CROSS MY HEART and HOPE TO GOD THOSE PUNK ASS KIDS GET STRUCK BY LIGHTENING!

    And PS. You just described the day I had on Friday, except subtract the kids, add stupid adults, and minus the pregnancy... so what's MY excuse?

  6. You are too funny! What are gwottles?