In today's post, the word 'pornography' will be replaced by the word 'shenanigans'. Please make a note.
In thirty two years on this planet, I have learned to ignore problems. It's probably between numbers 1-5 in a very, very long list of things about me that I should fix. But you know... between placenta-growing, finals-making, and cake-baking, I've been kinda busy.
Case in point: my computer has been running slow for awhile. A couple of months ago, Internet Explorer stopped working. 'Weird', I thought. 'Good thing I only use Firefox.' Apparently the correct response to such and issue would have been, 'Gee, I should probably fix that.'
Saturday morning I woke up to send my Mom her morning email, opened my laptop, and found a lot of... shenanigans. Once I closed one window of shenanigans, another window of shenanigans would pop up. Then another. Then another. And this was the type of shenanigans that makes a woman in her thirties turn her head and go, 'Oh my god, gross!' Like that.
I walked gingerly upstairs to my techno-loving husband and said, lovingly, 'Um, I think I need your help. There is a lot of shenanigans on my computer and I don't know how to make it go away.'
'Shenanigans!' he cried, 'What did you do?'
'I didn't do anything!' My sweet tone was replaced by defensiveness. 'I would never look at all those shenanigans!'
When L too was bombarded with shenanigans when he tried to fix it, the thought occurred to me to take it to L's Dad, who is also a techno-lover and good at fixing things. But then I thought of the look on his face when he saw what was actually happening on my computer screen, so I decided quickly that a woman in her thirties does not expose her father-in-law to shenanigans, no matter how desperate she is for his help.
On the advice of my baby brother, I took my infected and disgusting laptop to Geek Squad, where I stood in line for ten minutes wondering how I was going to explain what was going on without making myself look like a freak. Here's how it went.
Me: 'Hi, my computer has a virus.'
Geek Squad: 'We can fix it. Go ahead and log on to your computer.'
Me: 'Um... okay. But I should warn you. It won't stop popping up with shenanigans.'
Me: 'I SWEAR I WAS NOT LOOKING AT SHENANIGANS! I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED!'
GS: 'It's okay. Most viruses come through other ways, but how they show themselves on your computer is through shenanigans.'
Whatever. I logged in, and sure enough: Shenanigans.
GS (Loudly, shutting the laptop): 'Woah, you weren't kidding! Don't want to give everyone in the store a free show!'
People in line behind me: Snicker snicker snicker
Me (silently): Please God, let the earth suck me down in the ground right now. Please God. Strike me down. Right now.
GS: We've got to make sure to put a sign on your computer so we know what we're dealing with.
Sign read (and I am quoting exactly): DO NOT OPEN IN FRONT OF CUSTOMERS. SHENANIGANS.
I am happy to report that tonight I am reunited with my laptop and am shenanigans-free. But the experience was not without its learning lessons. One: A woman in her thirties does not ignore problems in the hopes they will solve themselves. And two: When in doubt, substitute any word with 'shenanigans', and you've at least got yourself a good story.