Monday, February 13, 2017

A Woman in her Thirties and the Happy Year of No

The last six weeks or so have been just lovely. Truly. I'm not being sarcastic. After a craptastic year of 2016, culminating in the worst ear infection known to man (almost three weeks of hearing loss! Awful!), I made myself a promise that 2017 would be better. And it has been. 

Don't get me wrong. I haven't gone on any crazy vacations. I didn't hit the lotto. L's travel is just... well, let's not talk about it. Work is busy. The kids are awesome (but busy). Life is exactly the same as it was.



But the difference is my implementation of The Year of No. 

I've mentioned several times that I'm the perfect person for New Year's Resolutions. I'm a woman of my word, and when I make a promise, I see it through. So making myself the promise to start saying no more intentionally wasn't just shooting from the hip for me. It was a calculated tactic to deal with the utter insanity of 2016. I'm sick to death of being a yes-(wo)man. No is my new word. 

This is not to say I haven't done stuff. 'No' hasn't meant sitting home with Netflix when I could be out doing something that makes me happy. Part of my self-realization this past December when I felt myself falling into some serious doldrums was that I love being busy. I love my job. I love my kids. I love having great friends and the desire to do more. I love doing stuff. 

But I want to do my stuff. IT IS TIME FOR ME TO DO MY STUFF. 

For me, 'my stuff' has included attending some really interesting educational talks, a day where I worked only on my third book (and got over a major plot hurdle. YAY!), a short weekend away to SF to celebrate a birthday and also spend time with some really important people in my life, seeing a movie with my Minnesota besties, and spending a lot of evenings hanging with the other man in my life: Harry Potter. (I'm almost done with book 4.)

I also cut off four inches of hair. (I want to cut off another four.)

And bought tickets to Hamilton next month. (GAH!!)

And started using Instacart more. (Heaven.)

And said 'I just don't want to', when I felt peer pressured to go out for drinks the other night. (Amazing how quickly that will shut people up, when you are just honest with them.)

I say no to volunteering for things I don't feel passionate about. I place at least two immovable yoga sessions per week on my calendar. I hire sitters when I need them and feel zero guilt. I turn down activities that don't appeal to me. I say no even when I could say yes, simply because saying no gives me more time for me. And when I give more to myself, I'm able to give more to others. These guys, in particular:




I started this blog eight years ago, thinking I was pretty wise about the world. A woman in her thirties wears pearls. A woman in her thirties doesn't buy cheap wine. All of that might be true, but the truest thing so far for me now, at thirty-eight, is this:

A WOMAN IN HER THIRTIES SAYS NO. 

Thus, she is liberated. 

Saturday, December 31, 2016

A Woman in her Thirties Resolves for 2017

Well, here we are at the last day of 2016. You know I love me some New Year's Resolutions, so here are mine. Warning: I am suffering with a nasty ear infection, and if you haven't been a woman in her thirties with an ear infection before, let me be the first to tell you it sucks. The gloves are off, people. Here we go.

1. The word of the year is NO.

Unintentionally, 2016 was the year of 'yes' for me. Sure, I'll volunteer that. I'll host this. I'll organize them. I took on a lot in this last year, not the least of which being going back to work, and did so while desperately hanging onto the joy of being home with my kids. I have been like those Chinese dancers who have a billion plates in the air, and they're all spinning, and the crowd is gawking and waiting for the first plate to fall. Because it will.


Let me be clear: I have LOVED all I've taken on this year. I've learned so much and grown a lot. But there's also a saying in writing that I believe to be true in life: if a sentence doesn't move the plot of the story along, get rid of it. Being more intentional with my time and energy is going to be hard. I hate disappointing people and I hate passing up a cool opportunity, no matter what it is. But for the sake of my children, my marriage, and my sanity, that's exactly what I'm going to be doing a lot of this year.

2. See Hamilton. 

Are tickets outrageous? Yes. Do I have the capability of hopping over to Chicago one weekend to see the show, even if I DID get a ticket? Not really. But as Angelica Schuyler so eloquently put it, 'Look around, look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now.' It's just gotta happen. I don't know how yet. But it will.

3. Stop helping people who don't want help. 

It's no secret that I'm overwhelmed with sadness about the results of the election, and the countdown to the inauguration has sent me into some very serious reflection about who I am, what I value, and how I can help. (Really help. Not ranting on social media. Actually DOING stuff.) This reflection has made me realize something really startling about myself: I spend a lot of time trying to help people who really don't want my help. This doesn't make me a martyr. It makes me a time-waster and a bit of an asshole, quite honestly. And it has to stop. I have my eye on a few organizations that really could use what I have to offer, and I'm going to be giving them my time and energy.

(These are my kids, happily giving away three bags full of unopened toys to Toys for Tots this Christmas. So proud.)

4. Write. 

For God's sake, writing has been the one refuge I've had my entire life. My ONE thing that I can do well, that makes me feel like I'm contributing to the world. And yet I've made very little time for it this year. Partially because I've filled my time with other things, and partially because I've been working on something kind of hard, and the writing of it is draining.

But here's the deal. I won two kinda big awards this year for Edge the Bare Garden, and to throw away the opportunities those awards present me because I'm 'too busy' would be supremely stupid. So I need to finish what I'm working on, for the love.

5. Enjoy.

See these guys? They are the best children in the world. I am the luckiest woman in her thirties ever. Not even Hamilton can compare to the brilliance of being their mother. So I'm going to work on enjoying them, every day, even when I'm tired and it's hard and I just want to sleep.


So, take that 2017. My ear hurts, my hair is a mess, and I can't remember the last time I Swiffered Daniel's dog hair from my kitchen floor. But hey, it's a new year, and I'm on a mission to make it a great one.

'Just you wait....'

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

A Woman in her Thirties Listens

Dear Anna,

This week you are six years old. Six! Ready to count 'em?

1.

2. 

3. 

4. 

5.

6. 


Six. Whole. Years. 

You now 'get' the world in a way that's rather astonishing to me, so instead of taking this post as an opportunity to tell you how great you are, (and believe me, YOU ARE), I'm going to get a little serious here. To do anything else at this point in time is silly, and when you look back on November, 2016 someday, you'll know exactly what I mean. 

*Warning: political thoughts forthcoming. Don't read if you don't want to. But if you don't want to, maybe that's precisely why you should. 

Anna, you have seen me pretty downcast this week. There have been many, many tears. I can only hope that you will read this one day, long after the forthcoming President's term(s) are over, and can tell me that I was overreacting, that all is well and fine. 

It doesn't feel that way now.  It feels the opposite of that. 

Someday, I will tell you how I see politics. I want to come up with the right combination of words, because words are of the utmost importance to me. My talk to you will involve a genuine belief that when we all do better, we all do better. That our wonderful country is flawed in many ways, and we cannot ignore them or pretend they don't bother us so therefore they don't exist. I will tell you that you are no better than the person next to you, and don't you forget it. I will tell you that when you cast a vote (indeed, when you make a purchase, when you post on social media, when you do pretty much anything in this world), you are making a values statement. You are saying, very clearly, what matters to you. 

Remember how I talked about how words are important to me? Guess what's more important. Values. And talking about values means nothing when you can't put your money/vote/actions behind it. 

I wish I could say I saw the results of this election coming. I didn't. I was shocked to my core, and remain so. I actually made a bet with your beloved Ye-Ye that Hillary would win, and I had already spent my $200. Ye-Ye was right again. Such is life, as your grandma would say. 

But more stinging than the loss of cash is the loss of identity. Because part of the sadness I'm coming to terms with this week is that I am, in my own way, to blame. I assumed Hillary was a shoo-in. I surrounded myself with people who shared my views or were too afraid of my contention to tell me theirs. I allowed the media to keep me totally hosed-- Donald Trump is a reality show clown, a joke. But he was not a joke. He was many things, but he was not that. He is the next President of the United States of America.

I did not listen. 

The fact of the matter is, some of the kindest, hardest working, most wonderful people I know voted for Donald Trump. You know them, too. The only thing that has made me feel remotely better over the last week is to listen to them, if they're willing to talk. I'm reading thoughtful articles from the other side, I'm more vigorously challenging the media (the media!). I'm silencing my own self-righteous echo chamber. There is reason to be frustrated with this current administration. There is reason to distrust Hillary Clinton. For some people, this election result is positive.

And yet, because you are now a big girl and need to hear this, it is devastating to me. Utterly and completely. Such is life.

Being a parent changes everything. You'll see someday, if you choose to have children. You see the world through their eyes. You'll consider their formative years, you'll judge your future decisions based on their interpretations of them. I'm scared for you, my sweet girl. More than that, I'm worried for the friends you're making in school who might not live as privileged a life as we do.

So my wish for you on your sixth birthday is that you will turn into a better listener than I have been. I wish that you will keep an open mind and heart, even when it's hard. This is very difficult for me now. Maybe it will be easy for you. 

I have hope it will be. I will never forget coming to your room in tears on the Wednesday after the election, and telling you that Hillary Clinton did not win. Your response was, 'Will she be okay?'. This is you, Anna. Always looking out for others. I assure, you, my lovely six year old, that Hillary Clinton will be fine. I can only wish that you will continue to be on the lookout and advocate for the ones who aren't. 

I love you,
Mom

Friday, October 28, 2016

A Working Woman in her Thirties

Well, it's been about seven months since I started working, and in the (very few) times I've blogged since then I've been saying I should really write about what it's been like going back to work. I'd say the fact that I haven't blogged with any regularity since then should answer that question.

As we say in our home, it's been Cuckoo Town.


But good Cuckoo Town. Here's what I've learned in the last few months, and the list grows daily.

1. My favorite word is NO.

Want to volunteer for such-and-such? No. Want to bake brownies for the blah-blah-blah? No. Want to have a play date, then go to another play date, then schedule one more play date after that? No. No. No. I was actually fairly good at saying no before going back to work, but now that I'm working I think I say no 20-25 times per day. And that doesn't include saying no to my children. No is my favorite word. NO. NO. Say it, and be empowered.



2. Working is awesome.

I have it easy. First off, I work at my own schedule. I don't have to be in an office at any particular time. Second, I was able to stay home with my kids during the YEARS of no sleep. Working would have been far less awesome during that difficult time. But now that the kids have school, now that we are all doing our own thing, going back to work has reminded me that I'm really valuable to this planet aside from birthing and caring for children. For me, that has been wonderful, and important, and made me feel more like the me I used to be, except better, because kids make everything better.


3. Everyone is going to judge you. That's what people do.

I'm well aware that people think I'm crazy (WHY would you go back to work when you don't have to?) or maybe a little selfish (because of all the no's...) or maybe a little insane (why wouldn't you just teach part time instead of starting a new career?). There are answers to all of those questions, but to be honest, this woman in her thirties doesn't have time to make anyone else feel comfortable with MY decisions. So, as my wonderful mother would say, 'if you don't like it, you can shove it'.

4. Something's gotta give.

I would never pretend that juggling our schedules, particularly given the fact that L is gone SO STUPID MUCH, is a cake-walk. It's hard. For me, the 'thing' that gives most is food. It's not that I was some gourmet chef before going back to work, but I definitely put more thought into food than I do now. And that's a bummer for me. I'm working on fixing it. In the meantime, have I mentioned the wonderful raviolis at Trader Joes?

5. Mom support is pretty much everything. 

There is a special place in heaven for the people who invented grocery delivery service. For the friends who see you're frantic and don't offer judgement but rather offer to take your kids for an hour. (I LOVE YOU, FRIENDS!) For the makers of those Usborne Sticker books that keep my children occupied. For my bosses who are also women and moms and understand that having the ability to be home and meet the bus stop cannot be quantified in dollars.

And of course, for my kids and my husband. Because since I've gone back to work, I have valued my time with them so much more. It makes my heart happy to hear them say, 'Mommy is going to work today', because it also means that they will appreciate our pre-sleep-book-snuggle time in a different way now, like I do. Which is to say our time is so precious-- theirs and mine-- and when we are together, we reap the benefits of all the ways we've grown in our time apart.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

A Woman in her Thirties' Current Obsessions

Remember when I used to be really good about blogging weekly? Sigh.

There is so much to catch up on. Anna started kindergarten. Aaron started preschool. Fall is here and it's gorgeous, L's travel is BANANAS, and all is well and good. There's just so much to say that I don't know where to begin, so instead I'll share some of my current obsessions so I can look back on this time fondly someday and remember this crazy crazy time of life.

1. Ages four and five.


You know what's great about my kids right now? Everything. Time can freeze now.


2. Hamilton.



There is nothing I am more obsessed with right now than this soundtrack. I read somewhere that Lin Manuel Miranda is being compared to Shakespeare. SHAKESPEARE. And you know what-- THAT IS A LEGIT COMPARISON. This soundtrack gets better and more brilliant the more times I listen to it, and I WILL SEE THIS SHOW SOMETIME IN THE NEXT YEAR SO HELP ME GOD.


3. Podcasts



I don't think I would be able to maintain sanity throughout this election cycle if it weren't for this podcast. Fascinating and powerful and proof that it's always been kinda nuts when it comes to electing Presidents, so take heart, all ye of 2016.


4.  Love Warrior



I don't know how to say this without sounding really dumb, but I don't follow a lot of mom blogs.  (But, don't YOU have a mom blog?) I know, I know. I normally would have passed on this book, but I heard Glennon Doyle Melton on a Podcast (see? Obsessed.) and liked what she had to say. Then I got this book, and it is blowing my mind in all different pieces and directions. I need all of my girlfriends to read it and talk about it and cry about it and reflect on it with me.

What am I missing? And, who's coming to Hamilton with me?

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

A Woman in Her Thirties at the First Day of Kindergarten

Dear Anna,

Usually I keep the letters for your birthday, but on such a momentous occasion as your first day of Kindergarten, I'm making an exception. Please note that I am keeping the schmaltz at bay, which is exceedingly difficult for me.  I'm doing my best with this post to give some advice to you as your mother, as a former teacher, and as a woman in her thirties who thinks she has learned a thing or two. I am not foolish enough to think that you will take my advice below (kids never do, amiright?). But hey, it's August of 2016, and things are so totally wonky in this world right now that it's proof stranger things have happened.




1. Understand how lucky you are. 

I could go on and on and ooooooonnnnn about this, but I think this little tidbit of advice speaks for itself. In a world where MANY kids don't have enough food to eat at home, where education isn't a priority, where resources can be scarce or non-existent, YOU HIT THE SCHOOL JACKPOT, and don't you forget it.



2. Choose your friends carefully. 

What makes Kindergarten so difficult for me to wrap my brain around is that you will soon be making your own friends, outside my influence. And those friends will influence you. You have an enormously kind and loving heart, and in many ways this is a disadvantage to you. Spend time with people who love, support, and encourage you as you are. Exactly as you are.




3. Remember you aren't special. 

Anna, it physically pains me to write that. Because to me, to your dad, to your grandparents, you are EVERYTHING. You are a magical bunny that dances on rainbows. But you are a person in a world full of people, none of whom you are better than. Someday, after extensive therapy, you will realize I am right. Bad things happen in a world where one person feels superior to another, and these are things you will see with your own eyes. In the meantime, remember that when you see a kid different than you in any way, when you pass the custodian in the hall, when you succeed where others don't, you are no more deserving of respect or appreciation than anyone else. So give it freely, to everyone.


4. It is okay to fail. In fact, it's preferred.

You are not going to be good at everything, and yet the reality is that people are defined by their successes. You, in school, will see that on a magnified scale. (Testing, gifted programs, tutoring, oh my!) What you don't see is that you will learn far less from your successes than you will your failures. It will suck to fail. Yes, it will suck some serious suckage. But you will grow from those failures, and that growth is something to be proud of.



5. Be positive. Almost always. 

In case you haven't figured this out yet, school is going to be a major part of your life for a majorly long time. The way I see it, you have two choices: grump about it, or see it as an opportunity. In kindergarten, being positive it going to be fairly easy. But that is going to get harder as the years go on. Your yogi-mom knows one thing for sure: the energy you put out into the universe is very much in your control (one of the only things that is!). So be positive, and spread the positivity, even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard.


6. Your world is limitless. 

This is less a piece of advice and more a mantra I want you to keep with you on your first day of school, all the way to your last. Each teacher you have, each class you take, each project you put your full effort into, will open a door to a possibility in your life. You will not walk through every door, of course. But keeping in mind how lucky you are, how privileged you are, and choose each possibility with equal parts caution, confidence, and responsibility.

You are so ready for this. Despite my reticence to let you go, I too am ready for this. We are in this together, even when we're not. I'm so proud of you, my perfect little rainbow-bunny. The world needs what you are about to learn to give.

Love,
Mom

Friday, July 29, 2016

A Woman in Her Thirties Takes her Lumps

****IMPORTANT NOTE BEFORE READING THIS POST! Everything is fine, I am 100% okay, and nothing to worry about!****


This past Sunday morning, I felt a lump in my breast. This was weird for two reasons:

A) I almost never give myself self-exams, despite the fact that my OB is always harping on me to do so because I have lumpy breasts (more on this later).

B) I wasn't actually looking for a lump-- I was worried about a spot on my skin (because my dermatologist hates me for my 'sun history', as she puts it). The spot was nothing, BTW.

But there it was, definitely a lump.

I am not new to this. In fact, I had a needle biopsy done in my early twenties because of a lump that has since gone away. It was then that I learned of my lumpy breasts, but as all twenty-somethings do, I mostly disregarded the issue and went back to my Bud Light.  

Good(ish) times.

Normally, I wouldn't be worried about finding a lump because of my... well, lumpiness. But this one felt different. Hard, like a pea. And I have to admit I had about an hour of panic on Sunday morning.  

What if?

I know from my complicated pregnancy with Aaron to never-- never-- google medical symptoms or conditions. So I called my OB on Monday morning so she could take a look. 

By a miracle of the patron saint of mammograms (Saint Agnes?), my OB had an opening that afternoon. This is a woman who books A YEAR out for appointments, so it was literally amazing that I was able to get in to see her. I also know my OB veeeery well. Let's just say we both have PTSD caused my my pregnancy and birth with Aaron. 

Man, does this kid ever owe me. 

She was the one who wanted me on hospital bed rest at 28 weeks, the one who wanted a scheduled C-Section, the one who was far more conservative than my perinatologist. 

If anyone was going to take a lump seriously, it was her.

After going through some pictures of the kids and talking about the support system that is SO lacking for new mothers in our society, she took a feel of my boobs. And sure enough, she felt the lump.

Actually, she felt two. 

'I'm not worried,' she said. But if there's one thing I've learned from my pregnancies, when a doctor isn't worried about you they move slowly. Their priority list is constantly shifting and moving, and to be low on your doctor's priority list is a GREAT thing. But she sent me downstairs to imaging right away, and 15 minutes later I was having my first mammogram and (boob) ultrasound.

I sent a couple 'no-big-deal' texts-- one to L, who of course was worried, and one to J, who had my kids and needed to know I might be late. But other than that, I needed to be quiet and zen-like at that point. I focused on the Kim-Kanye-Taylor feud (they all suck, if you ask me) that was highlighted on the cover of people magazine while I waited for everything to be set up. 

I had heard mammograms weren't all that fun, but wow. I was not prepared for the squishing, smashing, and breath-holding that happened in that room. However, the technician was wonderful and the doctor who gave me the ultrasound was fantastic, and within 40 minutes I was told that the lumps were, indeed, just that. 

This week has been crazy. So many activities, so busy, so many things going on. But there is nothing like a lump in your boob to make you stop, take notice, and breathe with gratitude for your health.